I don’t remember most of my 20’s. I think what I remember the most was is my desire to escape it. I felt a lot of pressure about everything. About things that I was pressuring with myself. I think of when I almost got kicked out of college out of mere laziness, and possible depression, I’ve never been diagnosed, but at that time, it felt similar to depression. I wouldn’t wake up to go to class, I would sleep the whole day. Then I eventually got on academic warning. I also didn’t like my major. I felt like I chose my major for others. and this pattern has continued, but more on that later.

After the academic warning, I decided to change my major, which meant I had wasted at least a whole year. Because I switched from a bachelors of science to a bachelors of arts. But I still felt pressure to graduate on time, which meant I had to finish a 4 yr degree in 3 years. I did finish in 3.25 years. But I was still unhappy, felt shame, and disappointment. I had friends who were graduating late, and they were so okay, i felt jealous. I wanted to know how it felt to live a life where you didn’t care about what others thought.

I have lived my life this way for a long time.

I remember my 20’s being filled with a lot of tears, a lot of disappointments, and lot of all the negative feelings. Every year that passed, I promised myself that the next year was going to better, so I looked forward to the new year, and just like that I was in my 30s, grieving my 20’s.

I look at my life now, and I am fairly happy. Sad things plague me sometimes, but my general disposition is gratitude and joy. But I will be telling lies if I didn’t say, the issues I didn’t deal with in my 20s has followed me in my 30s. At this my big age, I am still making decision based on what people want from me or I think expect of me. My worst fear is that I will get in my 40s and grieve my 30s. It will be like I didn’t learn my lesson.

I sigh as I write this. My biggest regret will be just that, that I grieve my 30’s because I am I didn’t learn my lesson from my 20’s. I feel like I am making the same choices over and over again. It is sad thing to say that, I still haven’t fully found myself, like truly know myself, and my wants and desires. I am still living by the opinions of others, i am still trying to live up to the expectations of others when I don’t even know what I expect of myself.

Sometimes, I envy people who are authentically themselves. People who changed the course of their lives after being people pleasers. I look at the people who can fully be themselves unapologetically and think to myself, I want that to be. I ask myself how that can be me? But I do think I am getting there. I am in deep in my mid-30’s and I would say, one of the valuable lessons I have learned and hoping to implement in my life is to not let life pass me by.