It is the night before my birthday. 

I will be the age that my brother died.

I will be celebrating my first birthday without my brother Scott. 

This day has been morose. I am not sure how I feel. I keep thinking about this past year, and everything that has happened. I have so much to be thankful for but my heart breaks for the things my brother is missing. The things I want to be experiencing with him. He’s missed so much. He was supposed to be part of so much and now my birthday is here, and he isn’t. 

It never even crossed my mind that I would live in a world where I would celebrate a birthday and not receive a text or phone call from my brother Scott. He’d be so proud of the woman I am becoming, even more, because he’s always been so proud of me. I know because he never failed to tell me. 

I keep thinking, how can I live the rest of my life with the knowledge of his absence? What am I supposed to do with this grief? How can I live well with this as part of my story? With such great loss as part of my story?  I am not sure how to celebrate, but how dare I not celebrate with the first hand knowledge of how short life is?

What I do know however is, I have to live a life of meaning, and let the little girl in me go. The part of me that makes my negative experiences my identity. I need to live a life, for as long as I have it in service, first to God and my family. I have been thinking about some goals for this new year. I am aware of how quickly life changes, so these are not set in stone, but little guidelines to always come back to.

Goals:

• Stop complaining about serving my family. See it as a gift and a privilege.
• Grow my faith in God and cling to the word with all the strength I have at any given moment.
• Be more authentic.
• Prioritize my secret life.
• Find joy that is rooted in Christ. 
• Let go often.
• Build relationships no matter how uncomfortable they are.
• Be fearless and bold. 
• Remember Scott.

I am not sure how this year is going to be, but I want to learn not to hold unto the things of this world so tightly. 

I am in tears as I write this blog post dear reader, and I am in the in between. The Lord has been so good, but He has allowed such great pain to befall me. 

I am usually anxious on my birthdays, but today I am sad. I can’t find happiness on this birthday. But I have hope that I will one day.